Recharging the batteries

I haven’t blogged much recently, or done many videos. I am currently taking a break from writing my life story. And, next Friday, June 1st, I start a 2 week holiday and it is getting ever closer and I can’t wait!

There are times when writers feel devoid of much inspiration. I feel like that at the moment. My mind has been going round and round at quite a fast speed at times and it’s hard to really find many pearls of wisdom in times like these. Work is still work, albeit in an office which is too hot and the air conditioning unit that has been brought in is not functioning properly, which is not really what I need as I am sensitive to heat. (I am not going to complain about the weather we’ve had this week though, very nice!)

Sometimes we just need to take a break from things, and also not feel guilty about it. I certainly don’t intend to do anything that has connotations with the word ‘work’ whilst I’m on my holiday. Our body will give us signs when we need to slow down a bit – it’s easy to feel like we need to hurry things up as time is short, but we need to listen to what our inner wisdom tells us.

I feel quite negative at times, but am very glad that I have enough resources not to stay too down for too long. I think most people go through down times, it’s part of life, even those who seem to have it all together probably have their struggles. This upcoming holiday (did I mention it?) could be just what I need ….

The ‘it’s too late’ syndrome

One of the things that can stand in my way is the ‘it’s too late’ voice in the head, the one that says things like – this should have already happened, I should have been at this stage of my life 10 years ago, what a waste my life has been, it’s going to take ages to sort myself out so why bother now .. and, invariably the voice that makes comparisons with other people.

There is no point in being in denial about things .. it’s worth being honest about how I feel, and as is probably fairly obvious from some of my blog posts, I would certainly have preferred to have achieved more in the areas of relationships and career in particular. And it is easy to fall into the trap of thinking that it’s too late now to achieve much in these areas .. and reading certain books can be unhelpful.

But, facts are facts, and I cannot get away from them. Even though it’s difficult in some ways to ‘own’ my failures, this is an important thing to do. Be at one with the way things are, and how they have been, accept there is nothing you can do about the past. And, it’s important to believe that things CAN change .. no matter what certain so-called ‘experts’ say. The spiritual pathway presents more opportunities for change than I could otherwise hope for.

I find it quite natural to be negative, and I need to keep myself in check on a regular basis to prevent myself from sliding into proper negative stuff. Yesterday was a wretched day to start with, although it did get better. Doubts will always happen. Age is one thing that the ego uses against us. I think the world’s conditioning makes us ‘expect’ to achieve certain milestones by a particular time. But really it’s not about age. Living in the now is more important than our birth date. I’m not saying you can forget about your past, that’s practically impossible. But maybe reframe things and consider how they may have benefitted you.

It does take effort, continuous effort. But we have the divine power within us …

Love and blessings

How I ended up living in a quiet market town

As most of you who know me will know, I live a long way from where I grew up. I’d had the desire to live somewhere else for a while, but it would have been hard to make the move earlier for various reasons. I guess the breakdown in 2006 was the catalyst for moving, my life would almost certainly have stagnated somewhat had I remained in the same place. An ex work colleague at LV had moved from Coventry to Bournemouth without a job and managed to settle in the area for a good while until recently returning home. So I thought, if he can do it, why can’t I.

Maybe it was a bit risky because I had been off work sick for a few months and it wasn’t long after I went back to work that I handed in my notice. But I never really considered the risks. It was something I HAD to do, and in the end it was fairly easy. I guess it was lucky that I moved just before the recession hit. I’m not sure I’d do a similar thing now.

I stayed at the youth hostel in Haworth a couple of times and the first time I decided that Yorkshire was where I wanted to move to. I have northern roots (my Dad is from Manchester and I was actually born there) and maybe that’s partly what drew me to the north. Eventually I decided that Leeds would be the best place to move to as it would probably be easier finding a house and job. I didn’t even find a house until after I’d left my job, and spent a couple of weeks or so in hotels. But I think I did have an ‘inner knowing’ that things were going to work out, and so it proved.

I wouldn’t necessarily recommend everyone to do what I did, but there comes the odd time in life where you have to make a radical decision or two.

So I have grown to love Yorkshire, in spite of the weather and the lack of a coastline (but most parts of the UK don’t have a beach that nearby, so I can live with that) – and, fast forward 5 years, after moving house on several occasions, I found a house in Otley where the rent was cheap – with the wage I’m on, I shouldn’t be living in Otley really, it’s a very nice location – I’m about 12 miles north of Leeds but Otley is worlds away from Leeds, it’s a town on the edge of the Yorkshire Dales so there’s plenty of nice scenery nearby.  It’s handy also because it’s quite convenient for work in Harrogate, plus Ilkley where I go quite often, and Leeds.

I sometimes wonder how I ended up in such a place – maybe it was fate, or coincidence. It’s a bit strange living away from family, and I would certainly like some sort of family unit – but for the foreseeable future, I think it’s the right place for me to be. Hopefully I will be able to stay in Otley for a little while, I love it here – although it is very quiet!

Food and ‘emotional eating’

I’ve never really spoken much if at all about this subject on my blog. But now must be the right time to do so

I guess most men are more likely to use alcohol to deal with their ‘inner demons’. Fortunately, I was never particularly fond of the taste of alcohol, never felt ‘drawn’ to it and so alcohol was never going to be a vice – and now I don’t drink at all. Probably a good thing too, with my addictive personality being like it is.

But I do have a massively sweet tooth and really like chocolate and cakes – and they are usually my drug of choice when I feel tensions mounting up inside of me. And sometimes it is difficult for me to resist, especially when I am having a stressful day at work and it is impossible to sit back and relax or meditate.

Fortunately, I am hardly ever physically ill. I missed 4 days of work due to a horrible sickness bug last November, but I haven’t been ill since then. But eating chocolate and junk food hasn’t done much good to my teeth and I am consciously aware that my eating habits are not hugely healthy.  I’m not saying that I don’t eat any healthy stuff – I do (occasionally lol) but there is no doubt that food and emotions go hand in hand –  more so for women, although I dare say there’s a fair few men that eat to drown emotions too – the number of overweight males probably points to this – and also there are some women that use alcohol.

I would also point out that I’m not one to say that eating chocolate should be ‘bad’ – I find it hard to believe that God is of the opinion that cakes and pizzas and cheese are ‘evil’ – (and cheese is damn good too) – and our taste buds are here for a reason. So I don’t have any plans to have a raw vegetable diet anytime soon.

Eating to excess is probably not as dangerous as drinking to excess. But, whatever our ‘drug’ is, if we find ourselves turning to it when we are feeling shit, maybe we need to stay present when this feeling arises and let it be, rather than use food/alcohol etc to numb it. It is hard, and for me chocolate, cakes, cheese etc are very enticing. I’m not perfect, and don’t expect my eating habits to change overnight. It’s still a case of ‘one day’ I will eat more healthily, really. But maybe if I can find some really nice, healthy stuff to eat, things could change. Too bad that lychees are only available part of the year. They are damn good.

But I guess I just wanted to bring this ‘issue’ of mine into the open, maybe it will help me face it a bit better …

Peace and blessings

Evaluating myself and what works for me …

These are tough times for me at the moment. I am starting to face some of my inner demons, that I wasn’t ready to properly face before, and it’s painful at times. I don’t know how things are going to work out, and there could be some further pain to face. A lot of people are going through something similar, but boy I do feel alone at times.

It has led me to kind of ‘take a step back’ and evaluate some of the things I am doing. Particularly, in the area of spirituality and personal development. It has been a bit of an issue for some time with me that the New Age spirituality scene that I have been involved with more recently, is heavily dominated by women and far more geared towards the feminine side of life, and I find it hard to know exactly where my place is as a man. Whilst I don’t want to be a ‘typical’ male getting drunk and all that, I also don’t want to become too feminized, and I think I need to find a bit more of a healthy balance between masculine and feminine spirituality.

What I want more than anything is to finally get somewhere in the relationships area – whilst I do believe that loving yourself is the key, it’s only natural for a man to desire a relationship with a woman (unless you’re gay, which is fine of course) and any guy would probably have their self esteem knocked significantly if they haven’t had a significant relationship by the time they’re my age. I do want to love myself, and I do like the New Age spiritual movement, but I want to be the man I was meant to be .. and I think I need more than just the wonderful meditations that I go to .. maybe some wise new friends.

At the end of the day, we have to let go of any preconceived ideas we have about ourselves .. connect with our higher power or our angels and connect with our true selves. It’s a process .. not easy at times.

It’s all about me ..

Yes, it’s the me, me, me thing again. Aren’t I a selfish little so and so?! Well, actually, this post isn’t quite what it might seem. Whilst it’s easy for me to become self absorbed at times, I want to look at this ‘all about me’ thing in a different light.

So, let’s say something that I’ve only recently started to believe and appreciate .. EVERYTHING in your life, every so called ‘problem’ in your life, has to do with something about YOU. Usually something that we find difficult is a symptom of a deeper issue that is hidden somewhere within the walls of our heart. And I think that our level of self esteem, or lack of it, does tend to show up in our lives, in one way or another.

Which is why I feel it’s important in these times to really work on (if that’s the right way to put it) our self esteem. I believe it will be easier to overcome certain things if we are able to love ourselves more. It’s not an easy job. I was almost surprised about the level of self-hate that I still appear to have. There’s something in us that seems to not want to love ourselves. It’s weird.

I think this is a heart thing and you can’t learn to love yourselves by ‘trying’. And there’s no shame in being honest if you find it a struggle. It’s a process. I can’t say I have the answers as to how to do it. I think you just have to start from where you are and be  open minded and willing to change …

Any thoughts?

Football fans and their behaviour

I have been following football for 25 years now. I used to be completely obsessed with it, not quite so much now, but still very much enjoy the game. I am grateful for this because I am not into a lot of typical ‘male’ activities, so maybe football helps preserve my manhood a little

But what is about the so called ‘beautiful game’ that brings out behaviour in a minority of guys that can only be described as contemptible? One theory is that these guys have emotional issues that they keep hidden most of the time, football is one of the few ways they feel able to release their emotions, and they explode in ways like sending death threats, making obscene chants, and behaving in ways that should not be acceptable in any civilised society. Another theory is alcohol, but then alcohol on its own doesn’t make anybody a prick, if people are violent after drinking, the violence didn’t appear from nowhere. Maybe men have lost their identity (and I certainly think this is so) and football is one of the ways they can feel like so called ‘real men’ and this ridiculous tribal mentality comes out of that.

In reality, I can’t pinpoint exactly what it is that makes some football fans behave like idiots. Some of the chants at football matches such as ‘Dig a hole and f***ing bury him’ are disgusting, and saying things that are obviously degrading or nasty is not and should not be classed as ‘banter’. Football is only a game, but for some people, they don’t treat it as this. Yes it can be frustrating when your team is doing badly. And I do empathise a bit with Blackburn fans, who have a manager who is quite frankly a delusional fool. I think they have a right to be frustrated with the team’s owners and manager. But you have to draw the line somewhere.

And I am sometimes slightly embarrassed to be a football fan. There is no other sport where its fans act like morons to the extent that football fans do.

About raw foodism, veganism and the like

This is not the kind of post I usually do .. but it’s a subject that kind of interests me. In ‘spiritual’ circles (as well as probably other diet-related circles) eating raw foods seems to be a ‘cool’ thing. As well as being vegetarian and/or vegan.

I can understand all of these things. I may well go vegetarian sometime – I have stopped eating meat now but still eat fish. Although I LOVE fish so it may be hard for me to give that up. I would probably find it even harder to go vegan, because I like dairy products .. a lot .. ESPECIALLY milk .. my parents would confirm this Although I have to say that I do like vegan food.

A few years ago, I would have said that being a vegan was unnatural. As for eating raw, I think the words ‘perish the thought’ would have come to mind. I don’t necessarily think that now. But I think that it is hard to go on these particular diets, particularly in England. I do get slightly annoyed at the slightly self-righteous (in my opinion) attitude of certain vegans/vegetarians/raw foodists, who seem to want to slag off people that eat meat. Whilst, for me, not eating meat was a fairly easy decision once I was aware of the energy of the food and exactly what it is I was eating .. and I don’t think its any coincidence that meat is one of the staple foods of the rougher type of men .. some people do love meat and eating meat does not make you evil. Maybe their attitude is a response to the people that think they’re weird for not eating meat or dairy or whatever. But, let’s be honest, a lot of the food that we all know isn’t good for us is SO DAMN NICE!!

I do think there is probably a certain element of truth in the view that we were intended to eat the natural foods such as fruit, vegetables and things that grow. But I find it hard to believe that all the other non vegan and non raw foods are ‘of the devil’ (for want of a better phrase). Hot food tastes good, and I wouldn’t want to be on a completely raw food diet – it would be good in theory to eat raw, but would it not be a bit boring? Certainly for me, who has very active taste buds, I think I would find it hard. England is not well renowned for its standard of diet, and rightly so, and I think it would be very hard to go raw or perhaps even be a vegan, unless you manage to do so early in life.

Thoughts?

When life brings roadblocks

Or should I say brick walls? At least, sometimes it almost seems like we’re up against a brick wall when we’re trying to get to the next stage of life. But ‘roadblock’ would be a better description. What I’m talking about is these annoying occurrences when you feel like you’re making some progress and then .. bam .. yet another obstacle gets in the way. As someone who has probably a vain hope that life will become easy or at least a fair bit easier, I find this difficult. The ego part of me wants to react, get pissed off, lash out, you name it – or to put it in even simpler terms, push the ‘problem’ away.

The trouble is, if we do this, the same issue will come back at a later date until you have enough persistence to face it head on and do whatever it takes to become free. There is a lot of change going on in the world at the moment, and many of us are facing challenges. It seems at the time that things are going wrong, whereas in fact these challenges mean that change could be about to happen for the good. Sometimes we don’t know what’s going on, but now is the time to put our trust in the process of life itself and to connect with God and our inner being.

How we respond to these roadblocks is important, particularly in these times when change is happening so rapidly. Let’s commit to being ready for what life throws at us and ready to move on to the next level.

Blessings

Poetry

The page is turned, another lesson learned

Time passes by, I keep asking why

The light seems so far, not even a star

Is in the sky, life seems so dry

 

Small steps are ok, I hear you say

But I want it all, and I want it now

Queen sang that song, and it’s taking so long

But I must persist, and not resist

The path I have to take